Obama isn’t the man you thought he was?

President Obama never claimed to be a liberal, heck he’s barely a Democrat. He ran on Hillary’s platform, you could barely tell the two apart. It was all strategy to win. Far left Liberals assumed he was one of them because he’s biracial. And they called Democrats in the Midwest racist because we wanted to vote for Edwards or Hillary?!

There are two sides of racism; there are those who are racist and those who think they understand it that they overcompensate so much that it is down right patronizing and the victims of racism feel insulted, belittled and far less than equal.

Make no mistake racism is alive and thriving in the country and I do believe it has found a home in the ranks of the hard right wing. I’m a little surprised and disappointed with the true Libertarians who have allowed their platform to be high jacked by racist, but I can understand it to a degree. I mean their platform is very liberal and allows the ideas of all to be expressed and protected. But I do wish they would formally denounce those hard right racist groups once and for all instead of muddying the waters by agreeing with them while standing next to them.

Republicans

Get your heads out of your asses. All this “They did it therefore we will too” is just stupid. You can’t call Obama Hitler just because the left called Bush Hitler. You have to have a valid reason. Bush earned that name by signing the patriot act, suspending habeas corpus and invading a country that posed no threat to the U.S. You have to come up with your own real complaints, not made up ones. Identify and throw the racist out of your party. Clean up your own party and stop reversing the blame. What the hell is your problem with Obama? He is more of a conservative than Bush or McCain. You have become brainless zombies of the hard right neoconservative media. You believe that all media besides Fox (TV) and Clear channel (Radio) is liberal? Do you realize how that sounds?

Democrats

Stop wasting time fighting distractions. Yes most of the right wing protesters that get a camera pointed at them is racist bastards. You’re not going to change that. We have real problems. We have a Democrat that we elected who is acting like a neoconservative. Yes he has a big mess to clean up. Yes he is historical. But if you don’t want his presidency to be a joke you need to tell him what you want. He can’t hear you over the tea baggers, talking heads and lobbyist. This isn’t just about a historical election. This is about undoing what Bush had done and restoring the Democratic platform. Stop trying to protect him at all cost, stop overcompensating just because he’s black.

I’ve said it a hundred times and I’ll say it again; this party over country stuff makes me sick.

Children can see right through you

We all have heard that American’s whine too much about their way of life. Other countries really do have it much worse than we do. Our ghettos look like hotels compared to many third world counties slums. In America we really do have choices and a way out of poverty. So many of us have come from impoverish backgrounds and have climbed the ladder of success, but many of us have fallen from that ladder time and again. There always seems to be a safety net here in America that will stop us from falling completely into the bowels of poverty that so many in other countries have. Far too often what isn’t really considered by many in this country is the fact that some are just too physically or mentally handicapped to climb back up that ladder.

Some of what we here in America see is people who have had so many traumas in their life that they never seem to recover from them. We can send money to Ethiopia all day long to feed the poor and tell our children how much better off they have it than children in third world countries. But try telling that to a little girl whose mother burns her with cigarettes when the child’s playful yells get too loud. Or the girl whose mother traded her daughters virginity for another hit on a crack pipe. Tell that to the boy whose father beats him with anything he can get his hands on just to get out the bitterness he has for his own life. Or the kid who keeps running away from abusive foster and group homes because he feels safer in the parks and streets.

Children really do still go hungry in this country. Not only do their bellies hurt from not having enough to eat but their hearts beat for someone to love them the way they know is right. Their minds hunger for a balance life style and their little souls thirst for understanding and compassion, not just for them but for all who they care about. Tell them they have it better than other children in third world countries and they will try to help because they know all to well how it feels.

The biggest shame here isn’t just on the parents of these children because many are mentally ill. The most horrifying thing to me is that this happens in a country that claims to be better than other countries. This happens in a nation of so called liberals who claim to care about everyone but can’t see past their own prejudices. A republic where so called conservatives who claim to love God and family values turn the other way because they believe it’s none of their business.

I will never tell my children that we have it better than other countries because it’s not all about where you lay your head or how much you have eaten. It’s about having a voice that is fair and just, a voice that is all about reasoning and considers all elements.

If we want to help others we must first help our own children. Visit an inner city ghetto; take a trip to a holier. Go visit the welfare office or a group home and listen. Spend a day in family court and watch silently with an open mind. Look into the eyes of the abused and neglected right here under your nose before you pat yourself on the back for sending a dollar a day to other children in countries. Do things here at home before you get yourself fitted for your halo. Keep teachers happy, help the mentally and physically disabled without judgment and talk to a child and listen, really listen. Most of all be a friend to a family in need.

The children don’t always want to be taken from their parents. They want their parents to be fixed, to be happy. The system truly is broke and throwing money at it isn’t the only answer. Too much gets lost in the bureaucracy of it all and the children suffer because of it. Too many case workers have grown insensitive to the family needs and paint all with a bias and broad brush. So before you shake the hand of a child protective service case worker speak to his or her clients.

You want a better America? Do you really want to make a better future for our children? Then you should support our greatest resource, our very own children.

There’s something happening here

After listening to Rush Limbaugh for a short time today I realized a couple of things. The first thing that is very clear is the Republican party is really confused. They are so paranoid that everyone is out to get them that they are like a rat trapped in a corner lashing out at anyone who wants to give them advice. They just don’t seem to get that Bush really messed things up for them. So they are suspicious of even those in their own party who doesn’t agree 100 percent with Rush. If they continue to follow this blow hard they will not have power for a long time unless….

Unless the Democrats explode and that’s just what might happen. The Democrats are in nearly as much disarray as the Republicans. We are now seeing a split in the left side of the aisle. Conservative minded Democrats against Liberal minded Democrats seems to be the show to watch now while the Republicans are being dismissed as radicals and all of this in a rocky economy.

If this sounds familiar to you it’s because it is. In the late 70’s the Democrats had a filibuster proof congress but that congress was hostile towards Carter as was the media. Unlike the Republican party the Democrats has layers and it’s those layers that may give way and cause another upset like that of 1980 when Ted Kennedy a Democrat ran against a sitting Democrat president. This was just four years after Gerald Ford the appointed president – predecessor of Richard Nixon felt the backlash of Watergate. It also may be worthy to note that the Republicans were seen as radicals back then too. Of course I‘m not saying that the very same thing will happen, another democrat will not run against Obama, but the Democrats are growing further apart just as they did then.

After the fallout of the Democrat meltdown the Republicans enjoyed 12 straight years of power. The way I see it is the Republicans know they’re in trouble right now, but the Democrats seem to be oblivious to any problems on the horizon. If they don’t get their act together soon the Republicans will reform themselves before the Democrats even know what hit them. On the other hand this would be a perfect time for a third party similar to the Reform party that was headed by Ross Perot in 1992 to take control for the first time in over a century and a half. But that is unlikely, what is likely is that the Republicans will take control without really reforming.

The Democrats didn’t win this past election as much as the Republicans lost it. Let’s face it, from 2004 to 2008 Bush was the best thing to happen to the Democrats since Ross Perot. Both wings of the Democrat party needs to realize this and come to some common ground before putting bills up for a vote. The witch hunt for those who disagree with the far left needs to stop, and those on the right side of the Democrat wing need to take their position to the public and explain themselves. Or this sibling rivalry will end badly for them all.

We will know soon who Obama is

A lot of people are upset about several different things and I have to admit I’m a bit confused myself. I thought for sure that the patriot act would have been repealed by now. The homeless rate is rising with the all time high foreclosure rate and the unemployment rate. The banks are still being bailed out and talk about infrastructure is non existing. If I didn’t know better I would say that George W. Bush was still running things which is why I can’t understand why the right wing is upset. Obama is doing everything that Bush did or maybe I should say Obama is keeping things the same as they were. I am still holding out hope that he and other Democrats will stop caving to Republican rhetoric. I believe we will all know for sure where Obama stands when he selects a supreme court justice to replace David Soute.

The Boogyman Cometh

Since the dawn of time mankind has feared for it’s own survival. In the time since record keeping it has been man himself that other men have feared and when there were no men to fear we created Gods and demons to feed our need for the adrenaline rush that the emotion of fear brings on. It was discovered thousands of years ago that fear can control man. So those in power have used fear to control the masses and those without power. But old writings tell us that a handful of men in history have used fear to get what they wanted from kings and pharaohs.

More recently different societies have used fear to control and get what is desired by the perpetrator of fear. Such was the case with the American Indians and the settlers . The settlers feared the Indians as ignorant savages, but little thought was given to how the American Indian felt or feared about the settlers. The fear of the American Indians was so great that nearly the entire race was exterminated.

The Nazi’s had such a great irrational fear of the Jewish people destroying their country that the German Nazi’s intentional set out to exterminate the Jewish race. Not once did the Nazi’s consider the fear the Jewish people must have had about them.

After world war 2 the western world had a fear of eastern nations. Bomb shelters were built and bomb drills were the norm in elementary schools in the U.S. 2nd graders practicing duck & cover in schools all over the land. Not once did we consider that somewhere in the U.S.S.R. there was a 8 year old child doing the same thing out of fear for us.

Most recently we have feared nuclear bombs, chemical warfare and terrorist attacks.
Extreme and obscene amounts of money have been spent on false securities.

We have proven to our enemies and our government that we will sacrifice anything to be unafraid.

We have scared our children for many years with the bomb drills, duct tape and the color coded images on television.

Have we ever taken the time to think that they fear us too? Do we ever consider why they fear us? Couldn’t we educate them? Or is it just easier to believe them to be ignorant savages? We have always feared a boogyman, but have we ever considered that we are someone else’s boogieman? Those in third world counties have injected fear into the mightiest country in the world and we have responded with fear. Have we ever thought that maybe that’s what they wanted us to do?

The boogyman cometh alright, but it depends on who you are as to who that boogyman is. Consider this. If we don’t condemn ourselves for torturing, someone else will.

Torture is Immoral and the Republians know it.

I have always been able to relate the ideologies of both main political parties. I haven’t always agreed with either side, but I have been able to understand how either side arrived at the conclusion that they did. There is an old saying that says we all become more conservative as we grow older. I believe that to be true even still today. But some of the issues that have been in the forefront recently haven’t been about liberal or conservative. It appears that we have crossed the line and perhaps even blurred the lines of what is conservative and what is liberal. Now it’s more about what is moral and what is immoral.

The Republicans (not conservatives‘) say gay marriage is immoral. I frankly don’t care who marries whom. But I understand that they are trying to follow the word of the Bible.
The Democrats (some) support partial birth abortions. I do not. I believe that once they enter the third trimester then they must follow through unless the life of the mother is in danger. My position isn’t based on religion, it’s based on human rights.
The Republicans believe in helping the rich because they are the ones who create the jobs. I can understand their thought progress, but I strongly disagree. I believe if the poor and middle class get more help they can be in a position to create jobs.

I could go on and on with examples like this, but the deal breaker for me understanding the republican position came this past week when many of them either defended using torture or said water boarding wasn’t torture. To me this is a clear case of delusion with no explanation to it. Waterboarding is torture and we were wrong in participating in it. It’s time to own up to the fact that the Bush administration was wrong and someone needs to go to jail. This has nothing to do with politics, it has everything to do with morals and human rights.

What will they think of us? Repeal the Patriot act NOW

Make no mistake about it my friends we are living in historical times. Future generations will look back on us and wonder what the heck were we thinking. This is a bipartisan issue, it’s not about Democrat or Republican, Conservative or Liberal, race or religion. It’s about your civic duty. if there is one thing we as Americans should be able to agree on is our rights.

October 26 2001 is a day that should be etched in all our memories because you can bet your last dollar it will be etched in our grandchildren’s memories as the day we allowed the bill of rights to be null and void. Destiny has been thrush upon us much like past generation such as those of 1776, 1860’s and 1940’s had it thrush onto them. Will we rise to the challenge as they did and be labeled a great generation or will we be the first generation of Americans who will be labeled a failed generation?

The enemy we face is unlike any before it because it comes from within our own government. We must be the first in history to demand our bill of rights to be restored. Unlike the civil war or the civil rights movement we are all in a fight for our freedom. We cannot be distracted by well thought out catch phrases  by corporate mouth pieces using wedge issues. We must stand up with one voice and demand that the patriot act be repealed. We cannot become complacent and accept people who say “give it time“… NO! The time is now. They took no time in writing, passing and signing the patriot act and there should be no haste in
reversing it.

Yes they have a lot on their plate and yes terrorism is real. but so is the fact that the bill of rights has been voided and it happened on our watch. That’s right, our watch. This country is handed to each one of us by the  generation before us. They have pass the baton to us and we have stumbled but we haven’t fallen yet. We hear all the time about the greatest generation, those who lived through the great depression, pearl harbor and world war II. Wouldn’t it be great if our grandchildren could see us that way?

When then senator Obama voted for FISA in late June of 2008 he sent a message to the corporations that he was as much on their side as his opponent McCain. There was no other reason for his vote but to send that message. The nomination was wrapped up and his supporters were asking him to vote no. His vote wouldn’t have changed anything, but it would prove his loyalty. It is now time for Obama to prove his loyalty to the bill of rights, the U.S. constitution and the American people by asking congress to repeal the patriot act.

Put pressure on your representatives to ensure that America will remain free for future generations. Past generation stood up for you, now it’s your turn. Democrats and Republicans alike worked together to make this bill law now it’s time to work together and kill it. Our forefathers picked up pens and put their names on paper that could get them killed. Our great grandfathers and grandfathers picked up guns to fight for our freedom and even fought one another for what was right. Our fathers and mothers picked up picket signs and faced prison. All you have to do is click here to be remembered as a great American. It may not sound like much but it will do so very much. We can’t rely on someone else doing it. As the Obama campaign used to say “We are the ones we have been waiting for” Now is the time to prove it.

Social Welfare Vs Corporate Welfare

Welfare recipients have been blamed for everything from the decline of morals in our society to the economic breakdown. Meanwhile hardly anyone from the right side of the aisle blame corporate welfare for anything even though we have seen billions handed to them in the past 6 months. Those on the right seem to focus only on the bottom number. They see around one trillion allotted to social programs. But they never seem to take into account that within that dollar figure lays millions of jobs like, caseworkers, health care professionals, Teachers, Schools, school bus divers, construction workers,  administrative cost . And not all social programs are for well or otherwise healthy people. Social Security Income for the disabled, housing and many more things are defined under the allotted money for social programs that also employ many people. I wonder if they consider who built those communities and perform the upkeep on the buildings?

Then we must consider the recipients themselves. If they are healthy individuals they are required to work 35 hours a week. In order to receive their checks and food stamps. In one community in southern Ohio that I lived in the welfare department has subsidized employment. They have done this by forcing the welfare recipients to work 35 hours a week at such places as Goodwill, as well as other places. They give these business $350.00 per month to employ the welfare recipients who receive around $250.00 per month from the welfare department. So when you hear that recipients in Ohio get $600.00 per month, it’s not that they get it, the government gives money to the businesses and call it training, I call it slave labor.

One may wonder why these recipients don’t just find a job instead of working for this slave labor pay. But many jobs in small towns are being subsidized by the welfare department which leaves little to no choices for a job seeker. Why would a business hire people when they can be paid to participate in this program?

I would give you a dollar amount on how much we pay out for corporate welfare but the fact is those numbers are hard to come by. Most are hidden in tax breaks, over pricing to our own government, etc. We’ve all heard the stories of selling our government a $10 dollar hammer for $300 dollar. But as far as I know no one has sat down to add it all up. The last I seen of the two comparison was Michael Moore’s Downsize this. No matter what you may think of Mr Moore we must agree that he makes some good points.

Here is what Moore said in the mind 90’s:
Corporations snagged up 170 Billion in tax funded handouts for things they could have bought or paid for themselves and that doesn’t count all the corporate welfare they get from state and local government. That’s $1,388 a year from each of us to provide welfare for the rich. By contrast all of our social programs combined from aid to families with dependent children (ADFC) to school lunches to housing amount to $50 billion a year. That breaks down to $415 a year or $1.14 a day from each one of us.

When a social welfare receipt takes money and misuses it then gets caught doing so (which is usually a few hundred dollars) he is made to pay it back or go to jail, There is no other option. But as we have seen recently with the corporate welfare receipts (who have taken millions) they are asked nicely to give the money back and thus far most have opted not to.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure this stuff out. Handing the rich money so they can buy their second or third dream home is wrong. And people like Rush Limbaugh who is paid by the corporations or the media who is owned by huge corporations aren’t going to tell you the truth, Helping someone buy their kids supper isn’t what’s hurting us. Turning those people into corporate slaves and turning us into the mouth pieces for the corporate giants are what’s hurting us. It’s time to start thinking for ourselves and turn the corporate media off. Let the fat cats fail and lets start helping one another instead of blaming each other because not one of you are a year away from working at Goodwill for $2.75 an hour.

In the Name of God

Did the religious right molest the Republican party or did the Republican party molest the church? Or maybe they willfully laid down together and commented blasphemy. Either way the lines have been drawn and I fear there is no going back. Someone has taken a hit, but who was hurt the worst? I believe that answer is very easy, everyone in this world has been hurt by this most unholy of acts.

The religious right and the Republican party has been flirting with one another for years, but they didn’t really go all the way until George W. Bush came in the spotlight proclaiming that he was a sinner and had been born again. It didn’t matter to them that he had no spiritual counsel other than television evangelist. They only wanted one of them or someone who was sympathetic to them in the White House. It didn’t matter to them that his opponent Al Gore was a Baptist , evangelical religion doesn’t conform well with other established mainstream religions. They have become the louder voice because they use media as their pulpit. Anyone who they deem as their enemy or anyone who they believe to be in their way will and has felt their smite.

The two headed serpent of the religious right had been raging a war with a friendly smile for years before Bush came along. Any day of the week you could turn on the television and see the Jolly round face of Jerry Farewell or the hypnotizing smile of Pat Robertson as they demonized their political enemies. Most of us dismissed them and allowed the religious right to grow. Some mainstream churches even allowed guest pastors with religious right evangelical views to come in to their congregation and poison it with hate. The meek will inherit the earth turned into the meek is too weak to control the world. They preached about raging war in the name of God and forcing complacence with their political ideology while masking it as a Christian one.

Barry Goldwater (arguably the Godfather of conservatism) said: “I am a conservative Republican, but I believe in democracy and the separation of church and state. The conservative movement is founded on the simple tenet that people have the right to live life as they please as long as they don’t hurt anyone else in the process.” “The religious factions will go on imposing their will on others,” “I don’t have any respect for the Religious Right.” “Every good Christian should line up and kick Jerry Falwell’s ass.”

Most reading this would be surprise to learn that the organized religions used to favor Democrat party and some still do, they’re just not as loud as their step brethren the Religious Right. In the 1960’s many things changed. The civil rights bill was signed by the Democrat president L.B. Johnson, who with a stroke a pen declared there goes the south, and so went the southern religious support. What once was a Democrat strong hold became a Republican strong hold with that one action and I highly doubt that many could argue the two weren’t somewhat related. The south has always been the strongest of believers in the written word of the Bible and for anyone to say that the two aren’t related is like denying that grits can’t be found in a southern restaurant.

Prior to that action the Democrat party was the voice of the farmers, working class and welfare for the poor which was considered very Christian and fit well with the southern states. Some reading this may want to point towards Roe Vs. Wade as the reason why the southern Christians Democrats in the south turned Republican overnight but that didn’t happen until 1973 and Nixon, a Californian Republican politician and Quaker won his second term in office and it was very clear by congressional races in the south from 1968, 70 & 72 that Johnson’s prediction had come true. In 1968 Nixon won every single southern state, an entire region that was once Democrat. The two parties had switched hands in the south.

Ronald Reagan was the first Republican to reach out to the religious right when he said ‘You can’t endorse me, but I’ll endorse you”. Reagan was a very unlikely of choices for the religious right, he was an Hollywood movie star that was divorced and had very little religious background. By Regan reaching out to the evangelicals he cemented their support. Because the evangelical’s are more concern with their power than the principals of the Christian faith. Which is why the southern Christian Jimmy Carter who brought the term ‘born again” into the national light lost the vote of the southern Christians. And to this day the evangelicals demonizes Carter, a man who after leaving office worked for Habitat for Humanity and taught Sunday school.

Reagan was the new face of the political religious right even though he never attended church. All of a sudden it was very acceptable to stay home, watch a preacher on T.V. and send in your tithes from there. It was now more than okay to be hateful and claim to be Christian. It was now okay to hate the poor and claim to be God like. It was now alright to strike down those who oppose you in the name of the Lord. Reagen may not have known it, he may have just been playing politics, but he had replaced Jesus in the eyes of the religious right.
What would Jesus do? slogans turned to What would Reagan do? Blasphemy had indeed occurred, but it wasn’t Reagan’s fault. It was the two headed serpent of the evangelical religious right Jerry farewell and Pat Robertson, a hateful message, vengeful congregation and a naive public.

The honeymoon between America and evangelicals who had helped to usher in Jimmy Carter by showing us a kind and understanding face had now brought in the actor who was playing Moses himself. No longer would we see the meek and mildness of Christians but the thundering hand of God with dyed hair and makeup on.

George W. Bush was without a doubt a man to whom they could manipulate. The evangelicals had gone through 8 years of Clinton’s middle of the road politics and were cursing God for bringing them such a charismatic, good looking womanizer. No good that Clinton had done could allow them to forgive him. The evangelicals who pride themselves on forgiveness couldn’t find it in the hearts to forgive Clinton. They couldn’t wait to get one of their own in the White House. At last someone who had been forgiven by God through the T.V. set was going to lead them. A false prophet? Or someone they could manipulate? Only time would tell. And it did, On September the 11th 2001 the opportunity presented itself and the evangelicals fell over themselves screaming that they had told us so. The end of the world was here and they had a leader, our leader and he believed them.

If something from the book of Revelations didn’t fit they made it fit. They declared war, then they spread rumors of war via axis of evil, they said global warming was God made. They were trying to force the hand of God and took the war as close to Israel as the could get, they even proclaimed Iraq as the battleground where Armageddon would take place. It was as if they were building the battlefield and clearing a spot at the table for the last supper. Church attendance skyrocketed and it held because the fear meter told them to stay. it was nearly Jonestown on a national scale.

Some of us mainstream Christians stayed back and watched as our churches were soaked with fear and lit with hate. Anyone who didn’t lock step with the President and the doomsday evangelical right wingers were quickly persecuted and suspect. God was about to smite the evil doer’s and that meant anyone who didn’t agree with the Religious right. There for a little while I thought maybe they’re right. Maybe the end was coming, but it would be evangelical right wingers who will be branding us with the mark of the beast.

Now that the marriage between the Republican party and the Evangelical Religious Right is on shaky ground I still hear the left over reminisce of hate and fear. The poor is being blamed for the greed of those who ran our economy into the ground. Jimmy Carter (a real Christian) is being crucified by the guilt of his accusers. Minorities are being used as both scapegoats and fake figureheads. The divide between the halves and have not’s has never been wider. The road from common sense to hysteria never so short. They have done this and more in the name of God, and I fear for their souls because I believe it is blasphemy to declare war, hate and fear in the name of God.

To the readers, voters, pundits, talking heads and politicians I say go ahead and practice politics but leave God out of it. God is neither a Democrat or Republican, Jesus is neither conservative or liberal. God doesn’t have to spin the truth, he is the truth. So please, in the name of God leave him out of it.

Family Betrayal (a look at (EMDR) Therapy )

I’m about to take you into the darkness, the despair, into the corners of my mind that I very rarely have attempted to visit. Echoes of children crying, the emptiness of a broken but hopeful heart linger there. If
you don’t want to go, please turn around now because this isn’t going to be pretty.

Have you ever heard a song that triggered a memory? Of course you have. But have you ever heard or saw something that triggered a smell, maybe even a taste? That is where I am attempting to take myself in my own writing. Into the subconscious that the mind has attempted to cover up for whatever reason. Even I don’t know what I will find there. But I think I know how to get there. Our minds are a lot like a hard drive in a computer. It stores things and even if we over write those things, we can still find them if we try hard enough.

I have been in orphanages 12 times in my life, nine times in a place call the Allen House in Cincinnati and 3 times in a children’s home in Columbus called Franklin Village. They started calling them Children’s homes in the late 60’s or early 70’s because the orphanages had gotten a bad name and sounded so permanent. In fact most kids in these places are not orphans. They are misplaced from their families for one reason or another, some are awaiting adoption, but most will someday return to their families.

A few years ago I took part in a new therapy called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy
I had to relive a memory, an event that has had a profound effect on my life. It wasn’t one of those things I never knew about until the therapy, it was something that I always knew about but never talked about. The therapy proved to be too much for me or at least too intense for someone of my age and health so I was dropped from this new program. But what little I took part in proved to me that their theory has some credence. If we can reprocess a traumatic event from our lives we may be able to change how it effects us as adults. It has been used on combat soldiers who are suffering from PTSD with mixed results. In the session I took part in the colors from the past were so bright. Well, let me tell you what happened.

I sat in a chair with earphones on that beeped from one ear to the next, a box with red lights was placed on my lap. The therapist controlled the intensity of both the beeps and lights while I held a kill switch in my hand if it got to be too much. Weeks earlier the therapist and I had created a timeline of traumatic events of my life mine was so full that she had to get special permission to proceed. We got the go ahead to try to untangle one of my earliest memories but was cautioned to proceed slowly.  I had been dealing with severe panic attacks since the birth of my first born and was extremely anxious to try something non narcotic for relieve. The therapist hooked me up and sat the box on my lap as the lights were going back and forth and the sounds beeping in one then the other ear while the therapist and I talked about the event.  I found myself in my sister’s husband’s car. The backseat of the car came in my mind and I could see the saddle back red and white interior very vivid. We had just come from my house, my two brothers were with us. My mom was just admitted into the hospital again for her lung decease. I was so happy I was going to my sister house instead of back to the Allen house. I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened to me there before. I couldn’t wait to see my nephew who was 2 years younger than me, I think I was 6 and he was 4. he played with me when my brothers never would.

The trunk was filled with food and dishes from mom’s house. Sue. my sister had us all go in and empty the refrigerator and the cabinets while she went around and got other things from moms room. Mom had given her $350.00 to take care of us until she got out of the hospital.(this was the mid 60’s, so that money should be plenty for 3 kids) Sue also told use to grab a change of clothes. We are now sitting in the backseat with our clothes in our laps. I’m not sure why we couldn’t put them in the truck with the other stuff.

My brothers are whispering to each other and they look worried, but I’m happy not to have to go to the Allen house so I am smelling the leaves in the bushes as we pass. I am so happy, but still worried about mom of course. I hear my brother Roger say “Allen house“. Why did he say that?  I look at my brother Bobby who is talking to him and ask: what? Bobby says that Roger thinks this is the way to the Allen house. I then holler over the radio at my sister Sue and ask her. She wont answer. “Sue, are you taking us to the Allen house? I ask with a trebling voice She just looks back at me with a worried, guilty look on her face. I‘m almost crying now: “But mom gave you money to take care of us” She says “I’m sorry honey”

We pulled into the back way of the Allen house,. Sues husband is a taxi driver and I guess he knows all the ways in, maybe he took that way so we wouldn’t know. We get out of the car and I am begging her now with all my heart not to leave us here, “Sue, pleeeessss don’t do this” I wont eat anything, I wont cost you a dime, I will work and pay my own way” She wont listen. We go in and there is that blue hair lady. I know I must shut up now.  Cannot tell what goes on here. The janitor is spreading sour mop water all over the floor. I’m feeling like I’m going to pass out. Sue says with a weak voice “please feed them, they haven’t had anything all day” She turns to me and promises that it’s only for tonight. I want to believe her, but I know she’s lying.

That was the end of my session, I had trouble all that week dealing with things because those saddle back seats kept coming up and the smell of the sour mop water would be so real I would throw up. I was later told that the therapy was  too intense for me. but I can’t help but wonder if the reprocessing theory can work. Can reliving these things and putting them into a new prospective change the way we see the world? Or are we digging up scars so deep that we may never climb back out of them? Can we look back without turning around?